New Year, New Opportunities

My 30^th year was one full of challenges; challenges that, at times, I felt that I would never be able to overcome. It felt like I was walking uphill through sand and no matter how much I struggled, I could not get my feet underneath me. I would get a few feet, and then the sand would shift and I would tumble head over foot back to the bottom. I wanted to give up a hundred times, but I knew that I couldn’t do that. Giving up is not something I know how to do.

Fortunately, storms do not last forever and seasons change. My 31^st year is turning out to be a season of new opportunities. Some of those old challenges are not over; but the slope isn’t as steep and my feet are finally finding purchase. I am starting two new jobs this month; the first as an Administrative Assistant, the second as a blogger for Unlimters, an online marketplace for people with disabilities. I will be writing about the products and services I use in order to live an “unlimited” life. You can check out my posts and the posts from other bloggers here.

However, the most exciting thing I have going right now is I am working on finally getting my driver’s license! While driving has always been a possibility for me, it has also been one of my biggest challenges. I have been working towards getting my license, on and off, for the past 15 years. I have worked with a number of agencies, only to stop over and over again because I couldn’t get enough funding to pay for the number of practice hours I needed.

Then I realized I didn’t need the agency. I’m an adult, my disability does not impair my ability to drive; it only requires a few adaptions. So I bought some portable hand controls and my husband installed them in the car. A friend helped me obtain the rest of the adaptions I needed and on my birthday, I went to the Secretary of State to have my permit renewed.

I have driven four times since getting my permit; three times with my husband and once with my Mother-in-Law. It has not been easy. Today, I drove to the grocery store and home again. I could tell my husband was nervous, and that frazzled me some. I wanted to be perfect for him, I wasn’t. I made the mistakes of any new driver. I had trouble staying in the center of the lane, I took a few turns a little sharp and I had a hard time maintaining my speed. I was so focused on doing it right, making him proud of me, making sure that he believed I could do it, that my brain was going a hundred miles an hour. After I pulled into our driveway and turned off the car, I burst into tears.

I wanted driving to be easy. I wanted to be good at it right away. But driving is hard and I am like any other new driver. Both Tom and my Mother-in-Law said I was better than they expected me to be, and they both are sure that with practice I will get better. Tom says one day it will just click and driving will be natural. I wanted that day to be today, but it wasn’t. I don’t think it will be tomorrow either.

When I set a goal, I tend to sprint toward the finish line, my quilting is a perfect example of this; but I have to accept that accomplishing this goal is going to be a marathon. It is going to take time. But I am determined that this will be the year I finally get my license. It is going to be one of the most triumphant moments of my life; and it will be worth every tear, every mistake and every year I spent getting there.

Another New Challenge

They say when it rains it pours. Well, it seems that I am caught up in the storm of my life. On Monday, I was told that there was no longer enough funding for my position. I was given until the end of the week to help my team adjust to working without me, to notify my clients and to make sure all my files were transferred off my computer.

The organization has been dealing with some financial problems for a while now, but I was still blindsided. I never thought that with 7.5 years there, and all the work that I did, I would be the first to be let go. I guess I was too confident. I spent the rest of that week in shock, really feeling nothing at all; and then the negativity started to creep in.

In college, I had a huge fear that I would not be successful. I worried that I would spend the rest of my life on SSI, unable to find someone to hire me, living with my Mom and feeling sorry for myself. For me, a job wasn’t something that was a guarantee; it wasn’t something that I could count on. A job was privilege. A job was the difference between the life society expected me to have (and the one I feared) and the life that I wanted. In short, a job meant everything.

When I managed to land the VISTA position at the Ann Arbor Center for Independent Living, I thought I had hit the jackpot. Not only had I found a job right out of college, but it was at a place I had always wanted to work with, doing work that actually meant something. I was so proud of myself, and the whole world seemed to open up in front of me.

Not surprisingly, when I lost that job, those old feelings started to creeping back. No one else would ever hire me; I was pathetic and would spend the rest of my days watching soap operas in my pajamas and napping, and then I snapped out of it. Yes, I am jobless, but my life isn’t exactly that pathetic. I am married to a wonderful man. I held the same job for seven and a half years. I have skills now, and tons of talent. Now that I don’t have a job, I have options.

I realized that this is not the end of something, but the beginning. Without a job, I have time; time to focus on my dreams. The dreams I forgot when I became employed. As of today, it has only been a week since I found out my job was gone, but I am already looking for new work. I have updated my resume and I am applying for jobs, but I am also focusing on me. I have a writing project that I am really excited about, and I am working on creating an etsy site for my quilts. I thought the world opened up when got my job, but now that I have lost it, anything seems possible and I am excited to see where this new adventure takes me.

Yes, life has given me quite the storm, but no storm lasts forever. When they are over and the sun comes out, everything is greener, the sun is warmer, the flowers smell sweeter and the birds are always sing.